Elon Musk announces the nation can choose a toy from Walmart in latest bid to buy the public’s love

AUSTIN, Texas— Tesla CEO and internet personality Elon Musk shocked the nation on Monday by announcing that, in a last-ditch effort to buy the public’s love, anyone can choose any toy from Walmart.

“I just want you to love me,” Musk said outside Walmart. “So I mean it, everybody’s going to pick a toy, that’s on me. I don’t skimp on the type of toy either, make it a LEGO set or a Switch game, I don’t care. And before you ask, yes you can have two small toys instead of one big toy if you wish. Will that buy your affection for a while? You all love me now, don’t you I’m the cool tech guy who buys people things I care about the water in Detroit or something I said I’d fix it, right? And it’s fixed now I can never remember how it ended. Anyway, go enjoy your toy and keep it in mind when my next scandal comes out, please.

Some Americans felt the move was symbolic of their relationship with Musk.

“It actually puts everything into perspective: Elon Musk is like our deadbeat rich dad,” said local resident Mark Harpo. “Once in a while he rushes into our lives and just when you think he might be reformed, he fucks up worse than ever. You can tell he wants to be loved by the material things he inflects, but his actions are cruel and cold. It reminds me of my father.”

At press time, an increasingly magnanimous Musk announced he was giving all Tesla employees thirty minutes to see their families one last time.